In a Clusterdouche! Exclusive, we go behind-the-scenes to better understand why John McCain refused to make eye contact Barack Obama, and how a quick-thinking Tucker Bounds keeps his candidate cool under pressure. This transcript was obtained illegally, unless George W. Bush is still in power, in which case I can video tape your sainted grandmother going Number Two and put it on The You-Tubes with impunity.

The Stock Market™ loses a trillion dollars because you taxpaying pricks wouldn’t loan it a measly $700 billion. Seriously, you taxpayers are asswipes and now The Market has taught you a lesson. So suck it. BUT DON’T WORRY: When fortunes are lost and entire houses pack up and move to Mexico, people drink a shitload of beer, so John McCain and his Soulless Robot Wife are going to be just fine. All you normal people can go fuck yourselves up a flagpole long as you drink the icy, delicious Anheuser Busch. Mmm, that’s good peasantry. Also, Sarah Palin is a xanadouche.

The New York Times reported today that, as hard as this might be to believe if you’re a fucking adult and expect that maybe your elected government officials are also fucking adults and perhaps should behave accordingly, the Bush Administration has reached the point where it simply won’t read communications it knows will get its [...]

In a desperate effort to “refill the ol’ coffers” after 8 years of his running the place turns out to suck intergalactic monkey ass, President George Bush starts selling U.S. assets to the Still Wealthy “while the gettin is good, heh-heh-heh.” Also, the Grand Tetons showed up on eBay today.

In a move carefully calibrated to steal the Wacky Evangelical Vote from sometime-Baptist and Catholic-hater-repudiator John McCain, Senator Barack Obama today announced that he intends to “fund the living hell” out of still-President George W. Bush’s Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, an agency the Bush White House uses primarily to pay massive blocs of homophobic Protestants [...]